My TofW Debut

Today has been a good day. Not only am I on a fun girl's weekend with my best friend, not only did I get to go to Time Out for Women and get my cup filled, but I also got to speak.

It was quite the surreal experience. I walked up these four stairs and there I was, in front of hundreds of women. Very cool.

So, here is what I said...

I have sweet assurances because I know that I am needed and loved despite the fact that I will not be a mother.

For nine years, my husband and I fought to have children. We tried different things and even tried to adopt, but nothing ever worked or felt right.

Throughout this whole experience, I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. I prayed that Heavenly Father would heal me. I prayed for a child. I prayed for a chance to raise a baby with my husband. At times, I would cry. At times, I was angry with my Heavenly Father. I couldn’t understand why so many people were blessed with being a parent and I was not. I told my Heavenly Father what I wanted Him to do. And I just couldn’t understand why He didn’t bless me with that need.

I went through times of doing everything “right.” I did everything I thought I needed to do because I thought I was being punished for some sin and that was why I couldn’t have children.

I went through times of distancing myself from the gospel and my Savior because I was so bitter and angry.

Then, one Easter Sunday, I was in sacrament meeting listening to the speakers. One of them said something to the effect of, “Christ understands our pains and disappointments too. He is there for us. He understands.”

At that moment I realized that I had been healed, just not in the way I thought I needed to be. Gone was the anger I had felt towards my Savior and my Heavenly Father. Gone was the burning need to hold a baby in my arms. Gone was the anger at myself for being so broken. I was healed.

I have known from that time forward that my Heavenly Father loves me. He has a plan for me. And all I need to do is follow Him and hold on and I will see what He has in store for me.
Through His gospel, I have been given the opportunity to become an important part of children’s lives. I have taught primary kids about the first vision. I have sat on my couch with Young Women who were giggling about their first dates. Through my friends and family, I get to glimpse a little bit of what a parent is. And I am thankful for each of those things.

But, most of all, I am so thankful for my being sealed in the Temple to my eternal companion. I am thankful that we have made those covenants that we needed to make, and that we need to continue to keep, to live with our Heavenly Father again. And, as Sister Beck said, “eternity is much, much longer than mortality.” And in the eternities, if I live up to what I know I need to do, I will be able to be a mother. But for the here and now, I know that I am loved. That I am needed on this earth. That I may not be able to have children of my own, but that I can be a influence for good to so many children around me. And that sweet assurance gives me the strength I need to go on.

And here I am...

Yep, that's me on the big screen. Crazy!

Here's me, mid-word, on the big screen. Court was trying really hard to get a good shot, but I was talking too much. Thanks for being my photographer too, Court!

So, now I'm famous. The last two presenters referenced my essay in their talks.

I've since gotten headshots...

If you would like to order an autographed copy of my picture, please send a check for $5 to my house!

In all serious...thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers today. It was really much less scary than I was thinking it would be and I think that had a lot to do with all of your prayers.